I dreampt of conflict last night and beauty arising from the conflict.

I dreampt that I was evading some "bad guys" that were after me and I hid in a room with a guy.  And in the midst of all of the chaos and fear he took me and looked directly into my eyes and said "You are so beautiful"...and this feeling of warm peace flooded my body and my heart and I felt safe and loved.

I have dreams like that a lot...where goodness arises out of conflict.

It was a great dream though, I've been walking around all day with that exact same feeling.  Maybe that's the feeling that I need to keep all the time in order to manifest what my heart desires.

Or maybe it was a healing.

Or both.

Who knows...

But what a great dream! :)

By teaching them self-respect and respect for all living things.

This last weekend.  I have a friend that's in the process of quitting smoking...he's almost to the 2 week point.  Anyway, we went to a show at our alma mater this weekend and then to the cast part afterwards.  He was really hesitant about going to the cast party because it was being held in a restaurant/bar and though it's a no smoking establishment he always felt the need to smoke when he was in a bar.  He decided to go with us anyway and we all had a blast and he didn't smoke!  I'm so proud of him for not caving!!!!
Way to go Chris!!!
:)

A big hug from someone special. :)

I don't function well between the hours of 5am and 11am.  I only do well with morning or early morning hours if they're approched from the night before.  My peak hours are from about 6pm till about 2am and I do my best between 10pm and 2pm.  I don't know why this is...but I think it has something to do with the peace and quiet the night brings.  There are less distractions and everything is much more low key and relaxed.
It makes it kinda hard to be a functioning adult in the "real world" sometimes.

One of the good things about where I live right now is that I went to college with the high school band director.  We were mostly just acquaintances in college, we knew each other existed.  But we became friends after he took the band director position here.
Anyway, he approached me the other day and asked me if I'd play with the 7th and 8th grade band at their concert.  Their last remaining flute player had just quit and one of the songs had a flute solo in it, so he asked me to play with the band during that number and cover the solo.
The concert was tonight and it went wonderfully.  I was sitting amongst the students and following all of the middle school concert etiquitte and I thought to myself "wow, I'm in middle school again".
Now middle school wasn't a plesant time for me.  A lot of bad shit happened to me in middle school.  But this didn't feel horrible at all.  I didn't have any flash backs or any negative emotions about the whole thing.  Maybe it was the healing aspect of the music or maybe it was the ability to see myself as having risen above all of the bad crap, but playing with them for that one song was a thorougly enjoyable experience.
I have a lot of music stuff going on this week and it's giving me something to focus on beyond the holiday stress and I honestly think it's healing me.
I hope, wherever I end up, I can always find a way to incorporate music into my life.

So every year I resolve to have a peaceful, happy holiday season and every year it turns out about the same.  I turn into this angry, crank, bitter, for lack of a better term b****.  (You know what word I mean).  I don't know why but I do.  I cry a lot and get frustrated and chew people out and generally lose faith in humanity.
I think this year it has reached epic proportions.  I'm acting like I never would have expected myself to act.  Generally, even when I'm stressed, I don't lash out at people and I'm not so sarcastic and bitter.
I know the fact that I'm not sleeping well at night is complicating matters.  I've been trying lots of things including cutting out caffine (which is making me more irritable), cutting down on sugar (which is also making me irritable), bach flower essences, essential oils, saunas, showers, etc.  I know I need a new bed.  I can't afford a new bed.
Also, the fact that I live with my parents is not helping.  Let me say, I love my parents.  They're great people.  But they still treat me to some extent like I'm 12.  I don't think a day goes by anymore where there isn't at least one argument between myself and them.
I'm frustrated with the community I live in.  I'm tired of the fake people and the people who are only ever nice when they want something or when they're in church....that really makes me mad.  The ones who won't give me the time of day during the week but act like we're friends at church.  I'm tired of making nice with people...I know that's something that we all have to do to some extent during the course of our lives...but there are some people who I'd rather look in the face and say "I don't like you" and have that be clear and out in the open instead of having to make nice with them all the time...mostly those are the people who treat me like I'm an idiot when in all actuality, I'm the one that actually knows what's going on.  It's like this community is in it's own little world that they're so far removed from what's going on with the rest of the world and everyone's only in it for themselves and they have no problems with talking about other people behind their backs and making unfounded assumptions about the rest of the world or pretending that they're experts about something they know nothing about because they saw it on tv or a video about it on youtube.  It drives me nuts.
I'm tired of being single.  I can honestly say that there isn't anybody around here to date.  We went Christmas shopping in Sioux Falls the other day and I can't even say how good and refreshing it was to have a reason to get dressed up and to see unfamiliar people all over the place and to flirt with the cute guy at the jewelry counter and the gas station and the hobby shop and etc.  It was great!  It made me feel beautiful and appreciated and it gives me hope that there's someone out there.
On that same note, my best friend from childhood got engaged a couple of days ago and I couldn't be happier for her.  I'm super excited because it's been such a long time coming and they are really great together.  At the same time I felt so sad because I've been watching all of my friends slowly meet people and date and get married and have kids...and I feel so left out.  I hate going to their weddings and not having anyone to dance with.  I hate it that I'm pretty much the only one who gets up for the boquet toss anymore because I'm pretty much the only single one left.
I'm frustrated that my car died.  A piston blew out in the engine.  I'm borrowing a car from my parents at the moment...and while I'm grateful for that, I either have to get my car fixed or find the money for a new one.  Both big expenses that I hadn't planned for.  I've been so absorbed in trying to get my student loans paid off.  Bills are piling up...lots of unforseen expenses and problems and I'm doing the best i can to keep everything together and figure stuff out.  It's kinda scary.  I'm doing the best I can to keep a positive attitude about my finances and to just keep moving forward.   But sometimes it's hard to think that everything I bring in already belongs to someone else.
I'm frustrated because in the mix with everything I'm trying to line up Christmas presents for my family and friends.  I know I put too much pressure on myself in this department but I hate it when I give my family gifts and they don't use them or don't like them or they just give them back to me.  I don't get things for people to give them back to me.  I would like it for once if everyone would be happy with what I give them.  It makes me feel like either I'm a really crappy gift giver or that I just can't do anything to please my family.  I want to feel like it's their problem, but I love them and I want to make them happy at the same time.
Finally, I ordered some scripts for one of the one-act plays that the school is producing here in January.   I ordered them on November 10th.  They still haven't come in.  I have no clue where they're at or why they're not here.  I'm just sick of having to deal with stuff like this.  It's relatively minor but it's a big headache and the director is starting to get pissed (rightfully so).  I hate being in the middle of this sort of thing though.  It's not directly my fault...but I'm going to catch the heat for it all.  With one-acts coming up in January things are really starting to get busy and my plate is getting way too full.
I'm trying to juggle everything and deal as best as I can, but I'm getting close to my breaking point.  Lots of little things (and some not-so-little things) are all just creating so much stress in my life that I'm not sure how to cope at some times.
I think that's why I'm being the way I am right now.  I feel like the walls are closing in on me.  I feel over extended and out of touch with myself.
I've been told that I have a lot of big personal changes coming...and that it might seem like a lot right now, but sometimes breaking down to break through is necessary.
I sure hope that's right because I don't know how much more of this stuff I can take.  And I really don't like biting peoples heads off.  That's not me...I don't like it when people see something that's not the real me.  I'd much rather they'd see me for the easy going, fun and enjoyable person that I really am.

Ireland, Italy or Canada...

I'd move someplace that I've always wanted to visit.  Might as well get something out of it if you're forced to move.

I've had problems with Social Anxiety Disorder since I was in college...probably since I was in high school...but it really showed up in college.  I think because I went to a small enough highschool, and I knew everybody there that it wasn't such a big deal then.  College was a different story....it was wonderful to get away from what I'd know all my life and sort of reinvent myself.  It was even better to meet people like myself and connect with different opinions and views on the world.  But lack of self-esteem and a thorough unsureness of who I was was there constantly and the anxiety attacks and panic attacks...sometimes it was a living hell.
I had a breakdown the summer before my last year.  I was trapped in a toxic environment full of people who were very negative and mean.  They wouldn't help anybody but themselves and they would go out of their way to make others' lives more difficult for their own enjoyment.  I worked in a room without windows....I think that really made matters worse.  There was an incident where I got yelled at for no good reason and that was the straw.
I went through counseling, but refused medication (they wan't to put me on a combination of Paxil and Welbutrin...I'm glad I refused).  In hind sight I should have just quit work that summer and gone onto something different.  I don't know why I didn't do that.

It's stupid....I have a hard time communicating with people.  I don't know what to say.  I'm afraid of looking awkward or like an idiot.  I'm so afraid of people sometimes that it really sort of affects my life.  I have a hard time talking to people on the phone...even calling customer service is difficult for me. 
I don't want it to be that way...but I don't know what to do about it.  Maybe I need to be on meds...but I've heard so many bad things about meds that I have a hard time even thinking about subjecting myself to them.  It affects my personal life, it affects my social life, it affects my professional life.  I'm functioning, but I know I could be functioning better...I just don't know how to sometimes. 

When I'm with my friends, we always seem to just bounce ideas and crazy notions off of eachother.  We either end up with a bunch of silliness or some genius ideas.  Either way, I think being around other people helps to enhance my creativity and gives me fresh perspectives on all sorts of things and life in general.  That's what I like best about being with others.